To prove I'm not a prude: Three Michael Bay films I do like
Among the few new DVD releases this week was a documentary on one of the Midwest's most popular and most droll author, Garrison Keillor, aptly titled The Man on the Radio in the Red Shoes. Keillor has a very recognizable voice that has been in my life for as long as I can remember, from the time he was a nameless boring guy my parents listened to on the radio to today; I now think of him as the "dry" guy on the radio I'll listen to when I happen across him.
In picking the film, I forgot the soporific effect of Keillor's voice on my entire nervous system and, while the film is probably quite good and highly intellectual, I just couldn't do it. So what I've decided to do, to make up for last week's rant against the racist disaster that was Transformers 2, is discuss my favorite Michael Bay films and all the reasons that they are much, much better than Amos & Optimus. In its sheer stupidity alone, this is bound to be more exciting than an article on Keillor and the Drew Barrymore-starring HBO production of Grey Gardens, another new release from this week.
Michael Bay Films From the Box
The Rock (1995)
Starring, in order of badassery: Sean Connery, Ed Harris, and Nicholas Cage.
The Plot: Renegade marines, led by Ed Helms, take over the old Alcatraz prison and hold tourists and the city of San Francisco hostage because ... they're upset about soldiers dying? It's some really patriotic reason that makes little to no sense.
The MacGuffin: VX gas, an actual biological weapon developed by the United States military that is given a host of attributes in the film that it doesn't actually have. Wait a second, it melts your skin and liquefies your organs within a matter of minutes but a shot to the heart a la Pulp Fiction will save you immediately?
The Line:
Connery: "Loshers whine about their besht. Winnersh go home and fuck the prom queen."
Cage: "Carla was the prom queen." (cocks gun)
Why it's better than Transformers 2: As performers Connery and Cage are the perfect compliments to each other. It never seems like Connery was really paying attention to what was happening on set, but he still comes off as the film's biggest badass. Cage gives it everything he's got and is never quite convincing as an action hero. Cage has been doing this for fifteen years now, and it still hasn't gotten old.
Armageddon (1998)
Starring, in order of badassery: Bruce Willis, Michael Clarke Duncan, Steve Buscemi, Liv Tyler, Billy Bob Thornton, and Ben Affleck.
The Plot: A crude amalgam of Apollo 13 and Deep Impact, a group of ocean oil drillers must land on an impossibly huge comet ("the size of Texas," which they surely had to change from Bay's script's original description: "like, really fuckin' big") and put some nukes in its middle.
The MacGuffin: You know, I'm not really sure. The animal crackers that Ben Affleck sticks in Liv Tyler's panties?
The Line:
Liv Tyler (after Ben Affleck has stuck animal crackers in her panties): "Baby, do you think its possible that anyone else in the world is doing this very same thing at this very same moment?"
Ben Affleck: "I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?"
Why it's better than Transformers 2: Because at least it's a watchable mess. It's packed with more cringe-inducing lines than a Star Wars prequel, but they're delivered with none of the pathetic sincerity of Lucas's scripts. Bay knows he isn't making a multi-generational epic but a glorified music video with plenty of ‘splosions. And unlike Transformers 2, neither the humor nor the humorous stupidity is executed without being at least a little funny.
Bad Boys II (2003)
Starring, in order of badassery: Will Smith, Martin Lawrence, Gabrielle Union
The Plot: Will Smith and Martin Lawrence are cops. Isn't that funny?!
The MacGuffin: Ecstasy, a recreational drug that probably fueled the composition of large portions of this film.
The Line:
Martin Lawrence: "Mike! There's a papa rat humping the shit out of this mama rat. No, he's straight pile-driving her! "
Why it's better than Transformers 2: Actually, I'm not so sure it is. No comprehensible story, sloppy racial stereotypes, bad sex jokes, and rampant objectification of women, which is justified somehow because they're in ecstasy clubs. But if ecstasy's bad, why does Bay's camera glorify the lifestyle so much? Also, a hardly-clothed 15 year-old Megan Fox is in it for five seconds, and Bay is seeming creepier and creepier. So why do I like this film? It has something to do with the overall R-rated excess of it and the amusing ineptness with which Bay photographs car chases and bullet-time. It's a glorified, over-budget Andy Sidaris film.
Next Week on From the Box
Godard, Godard, Godard! The French New Wave's most formally innovating and homage-paying director gets two new films released from Criterion: Made in U.S.A and 2 or 3 Things I Know About Her. That is, unless they push the release date back again, which they've been doing for a month or so ... Also, this comics geek has a new asshole to tear a certain Zack Snyder over a certain Alan Moore adaptation that's coming to disc. And speaking of comic writers, the clay-mated adaptation of Neil Gaiman's Coraline is coming out as well.
3 comments
Dude, the MacGuffin in Armageddon was not animal crackers. It was the search for fossil fuels beneath our planet’s oceans.
I disagree that Bay’s original text had to be transcribed. I’m sure that he appends “the size of Texas” to virtually every descriptive phrase he utters.
Pat
@tmcdade: but the animal crackers in Live Tyler’s underpants are really what bring the whole story together!
@josh: “EXT: Megan Fox is fixing a motorbike the size of Texas. This is how we know her character is both sexy and has a brain the size of Texas. She’s on top of the bike, but she’s bent over, and we can almost see everything through a gap in her short jean shorts the size of Texas.”
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