Applicants Say the Craziest Things
Do you remember the show Kids Say the Darndest Things? It was a television show, hosted by Bill Cosby, that aired during the end of the 90s (a previous incarnation was hosted by Art Linkletter). In the show, Cosby would ask adorable children simple questions to provoke a cute response. The novel show didn’t last long, because eventually audience members started to throw up due to the hyperbolic levels of cuteness the kids exuded. The Surgeon General came in, shut the show down, forced Cosby into exile and made Art Linkletter (co-host) eat pudding pops for a year. Of course that isn’t true, but the show did run out of gas, because cute kids really aren’t that entertaining.
If I had a chance to develop a show that would eventually run itself into the ground after one season, it would be “Applicants Say the Craziest Shit.” I would set up hidden video cameras in my office and I would edit all the footage so that America could see the insane behavior some of my applicants possess.
For instance, not too long ago I had an interview with a nice young girl who had just recently left her last job after only one month of employment. On her application, she stated that she would explain her departure in person. I asked her why she left the company and then I buckled my seat belt. What she told me went something like this:
“I normally work the day shift at work. Sometimes I pick up some extra hours in the evening, but I have a kid, so I can’t always do that. I am not required to work nights, but my manager doesn’t care about my kid or my schedule. She also isn’t afraid to speak her mind. She’s not a very nice person. Well, she came up to me two weeks ago and told me that I had to work that night. I told her that I couldn’t do that, because I had to pick up my kid. My manager then said out loud, in front of people, ‘It’s not my fault you are easy.’ But, it wasn’t my fault that I had my kid. I was raped.”
As a man, sitting one on one with a female candidate in a small room, I naturally felt awkward. I actually felt guilty, not because I was the one who assaulted her, but because some man had and I have this feeling that rape victims might see men as potential threats. I am not a woman and thankfully I haven’t been raped, but I can only imagine the fear that rape victims must have after such a traumatic event.
I didn’t know exactly what to say other than, “That is terrible that your manager said that.” I tried my best to forget about her response, but I couldn’t, because the idea of a rape victim blatantly blurting out a maleficent act like rape is somewhat hard to shake. I don’t know if she was lying to me or not, but I wasn’t going to ask any further questions. I know what you might be asking, “How can this asshole think she was lying?” Well, if you walk a mile in my shoes, you would know that applicants will say just about anything to keep a prospective employer from conducting a reference check. Needless to say, sparing some details, she didn’t get the job. If she did lie, shame on her. If she didn’t, I feel terrible. Oh well, I already have a trailer parked and waiting for my arrival in hell.
One more story I would like to relate comes from an interview that I had with a manic girl who wanted a better job. First of all, she was smacking her gum, which irritated me beyond belief. She kept moving around nervously and when I asked her a question, she was very loquacious. She kept imprecating her supervisor, talking about how inept he was and how she wanted to choke him. I almost interrupted her to go to the liquor store. She then cussed three times in the interview. I think she actually said “bullshit”, “shit” and another “shit” during one answer. It was awesome.
I wanted to stop her and ask her if she was all right, but I just let her explode in front of me. At one point she was talking so fast that I felt her words piercing my face, like needles. I couldn’t defend myself. I kept looking at the door, praying that Chuck Norris would come to my aid, but he didn’t. Fuck Chuck Norris. He’s no savior.
I just want to throw out this caveat: if you have an interview, before you blurt out some crazy shit, just know that I’ve got the camera rolling and I’m gonna get your ass on ABC.
I need to think of the host for my show. Any suggestions would be helpful.
9 comments
Stef
I seriously think that would be the best show ever. Hilarious while shaking your faith in humanity.
Perhaps Chuck Norris could host or co-host?
Great article.
John Hoeffleur
Where do you work?
Ryan Neaveill
Love it, man! This is good stuff! I want to hear more.
Aimee
Mr. Gould,
I’m sure you don’t plan it, and bet you totally don’t mean it, but do you realize that almost all of the interviewee gaffs you have mentioned in your articles on this site have been attributed to “girl” applicants?
While I’m gonna try not to take on your chosen linguistic framing of work-aged females here, I do feel compelled to ask why it might be that your recounts of egregious interviewee missteps are so heavily represented by the xxs that visit your office.
Are women applicants that much more inappropriate in interviews? Are there that many more of them applying for jobs through your firm, thus skewing the anecdotal subject pool you are able to fish accounts from? Do females’ transgressions just stick out in your memory more? I’m really curious to know.
Frankly, too, as a reader, I do have to wonder if a HR rep seeing female applicants as “girls”—and, interestingly, the male applicants you write of not as “boys”—might influence how levels of professionalism behind words and actions are interpreted and read. How many professional girls do you know? You know what I mean.
As you bring up in your writing, words—and the sentiments behind them—do matter.
I bring this up because, after reading your columns, I find myself less interested in the avoidable bad calls of today’s job seekers than those of the people on the other side of the desk. Maybe this is what you’re going for? I dunno.
Anyway, sorry that Chuck Norris let you down, man. Bummer.
John Hoeffleur
Right on Aimee. HR noobs write the craziest things.
So, where do you work TG? I take it you’d rather not reveal it (or your face, for that matter)?
The reason I ask is that I think your employer deserves to read your work here. And if they could, I’d expect that you’d find the tables turned and you’ll likely face some tough HR questions of your own - perhaps at the unemployment office with the rest of us proles you look down on.
Watch your step.
Aimee and John,
I can see how you both must feel about my articles. No, I won’t reveal where I work. To let you know, before I ever agreed to write for SP, I sat down with my female HR Director and my female manager to discuss my endeavors. They fully support me, have read my articles, but remain steadfast that I protect my identity. You are right, John. I could lose my job potentially, so I protect myself. I can do this.
The reason why I reference women as “girls” is not to be sexist. I work in an industry dominated by women; over 80%. Most of the people I interview are women; nearly 98%, so forgive me for using what I’ve got. I do have stories about boys that I can give you and will give you, but not quite yet.
I know plenty of professional “women” and they are highly admired by me. My mom is a professional “woman”, but when I interview 18, 19 and 20 year old “girls”, they aren’t “women” to me.
I am not going to change my writing style for anyone. I am also not going to reveal my face, John. Trust me, I know who you are and the “watch your step” comment is a little threatening, don’t you think? I am well aware of who you are and I know you like getting a rise out of people, so keep it up, ok?
I hope you like my next article just as much as you like this one.
Sincerely,
Thomas Gould
John Hoeffleur
Hey, it’s your job, bud. Do what you like. As for me, I stand by my record.
I just don’t think it’s particularly clever or funny to take a shit on people, of any age or sex, who don’t have your (clearly questionable) HR savvy, and it sure seems to be the main thrust of your series here.
You’ve said you won’t, but what the hell - I modestly suggest you find a way to write humor without anonymously castigating people who aren’t around to defend themselves. Until then, I’m not at all ashamed to call you on the carpet because your articles are ridicule, not comedy. Good day!
Thanks for the support.
http://openid.aol.com/lesliemsingleton
Oh my. First of all, while I understand the necessity of an open dialogue with respect to gender discrimination and the importance of speaking up when sexism crops up, I don’t think that’s what we have here. The use of the term “girl” in this context seems fairly arbitrary. I consider myself pretty cognizant of such things and do buy into the idea that language can shape thought, yet reading this article, such a dilemma as the one Aimee seems confronted by never crossed my mind. I think there are plenty of weighty and “real” instances of sexism with far-reaching effects that need our attention and that our time is better spent discussing said instances instead of creating a problem where many might concur there is none.
Secondly, what ever happened to that old and very human phenomenon known as a sense of humor? It’s a bit of a stretch to say TG is “ridiculing” these applicants. He’s merely telling a story, and stories tend to be about people and the sometimes funny things they say and do. I think one would be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t tell stories about others, and while there are certainly “mean” people who enjoy gossiping at the expense of others, that’s not what we have here. I think TG aims to entertain, and I think he succeeds. Professional job interviews are clearly not the place for cursing and gum-smacking, and conversations about rape are generally reserved for the therapist’s office or the company of a close friend (and, by the way, TG doesn’t fail to exhibit sensitivity in that respect either).
Pointing the humor out in all of this isn’t mean-spirited. It’s funny.
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Ha! Exactly. You, sir, are welcome at the bar in My House.
Why wait ‘til 3 pm?
I’m excited to go tonight- should be very fun!
Next, I want to know about growing up on Ennis Lane. Or the neighboring Surbana Estates. http://pathfindergroupil.com/index.php/surbanaestates
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represent, Matt.
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This weekend will mark the first appearance of Kayla Brown’s Fire Doll Candle booth at the Market. Check it: http://www.facebook.com/firedollcandles
And without bloodshed. Sounds like the Savoy trustees aren’t as narrow-minded as some of their whiny pants constituents. Do you think quack Snell is already planning an asinine counterattack or is he still laying low after those “threats” against his person?
hey, if hair ain’t gon’ be over your head, my jokes may as well be.
Okay, almost 24 hours later and I finally got Issac’s Summer joke. I’m an idiot.
Excellent. I am glad sometimes American dreams are encouraged, rather than stifled.
Swap the dog for a fire pit and it sounds like you’re writing about my back yard. Very nice.
funny, as your summer begins, another Summer ends.
@Dan - Wow. Unfortunately, I have to refrain from further comment due to a previous employment relationship. But with that brief context you might be able to imagine possible comments or responses I could have.
Oh, by the way, the “Champaign County YMCA” no longer exists. The official name is now the “Stephens Family YMCA” (the website has not been updated, but check out the latest program guide). And no, it’s not just the name of the building. It’s the name of the organization.
Very inspired Photochops as well….
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