All Ye Shall Rejoice for The ‘New’ Great Depression

Posted in OPINION to The Campus Wit by Patrick McCarthy on Thursday, October 23, 2008 at 4:00 pm

Pleasant returns, Worried Reader. As I mentioned last week, the economic state of the world is in shambles. Many people are frightened for the future of their cash, capital, and quarters. Some people are even too scared to say the word “recession.” Well, I have a word for you that no one wants to even think about — Depression. No, not the other inhabitant of Isolation Manor. I am talking about an economic depression. No one wants to even contemplate the thought of a new Great Depression… except for me that is.

I cannot wait for the world economy to finally plop down into the shitter. A new Great Depression would solve all the problems I have with the world. Think about it. With the advent of a depression, no one would be able to afford to use cell phones for leisure. Only business men and the propertied class could afford to use cell phones. Man would be freed from the bondage of cell phones and text messages. People would have to find new ways to occupy themselves that do not involve incessant texting about Kristen and Johnny “totally hooking up.” People actually might even start talking to each other in person again. Well, that might be going a little far. People will probably sit together in rooms and exchange hand written text messages in complete silence but at least there will be no ball-busting clicking.

In addition to the decline of cell phones, the internet will become too expensive to have in the home. Internet booths will start popping up along with pay phones, and people will start paying for the internet by the minute. Like cell phones, the internet will become the domain of business and the wealthy(The wealthy will always have their porn. It’s in Marx. Check it out). People will stop wasting time surfing the internet for funny clips and untruths and begin to patronize libraries where they will read books and watch first-rate films. The internet will be finally used correctly — as a way to communicate and access pertinent information quickly. Useless websites (basically all of them) will disappear, and the internet will become more efficient. People will get their time back (Well, I guess they will have plenty of time anyways. What with the whole unemployment/depression thing. No matter!).

What will they do with this time, you ask? I’ll tell you. Go to the movies. With the death of the personal, isolated entertainment of the internet, the mass entertainment of the movies will one of the few options for enjoyment. When the depression hits, demand for movies will initially fall because no one will be able to pay for the ass-pillagingly expensive tickets. Seeing the fall in demand, movie theaters will quickly lower prices (That’s just basic economics, baby). Attendance will shoot up as movies become one of the only financially feasible forms of entertainment. As a result, Hollywood will not have to make huge-budget blockbusters to draw in crowds. The crowds will already be there. Another Golden Age will descend on Hollywood, and the people shall rejoice!

Ok, Ok. Quiet down Rambunctious Reader. I understand that a depression will not be all peaches and cream. Even for me, there will be downsides like unemployment, no money, despair… actually now that I think of it those three things already describe my life. Hot Dog! Bring on the Depression!