Category > The Campus Wit
Greetings, Loyal Reader. I must extend my humble apologies to you for failing to complete a column for last Thursday. I know that you waited patiently at first, calmly refreshing the page every few minutes. Your calmness, however, soon abated, and you began viciously pounding your computer, screaming as loud as your voice could scream, “Curses on you and your kin, Vile Wit!” Eventually, you began … What’s that Gentle Reader? You did not even notice that I did not …
Good day, Worthy Reader. Despite my best efforts to deceive myself into thinking otherwise, I do actually attend the University of Illinois, and one of the aspects of the university that has most interested me is the Greek system. I find it quite stimulating to observe fraternity and sorority members. It is not because they are really that different from other university students; it is because of their t-shirts.
Pleasant returns, Worried Reader. As I mentioned last week, the economic state of the world is in shambles. Many people are frightened for the future of their cash, capital, and quarters. Some people are even too scared to say the word “recession.” Well, I have a word for you that no one wants to even think about — Depression. No, not the other inhabitant of Isolation Manor. I am talking about an economic depression. No one wants to even contemplate …
Good day, prodigal reader. Times are tough. Money is sparse, and the economy has taken more blows than Parson Yorick. I feel the strain myself. I am a jobless scholar with limited funds. I have tried to find employment, but apparently most companies are not looking to hire hirsute misanthropes. In addition, the only remuneration I receive from Smile Politely for writing this column is weekly swift kicks to the groin, and the interest rate for swift groinal kicks is …
After a three week journey up my own bunghole, I have returned, O Great Gouty Reader, a mite dirtier and not a bit wiser. When I finally arrived at Isolation Manor after many hours of travel, my immediate thoughts turned to the procurement of sustenance. However, my cupboard was barren, and my manservant, Trim, had neither the energy nor the wherewithal to fetch me even a simple crust of bread. Therefore, I resolved to seek victuals from an emporium of …
We now resume with the final installment of The Campus Wit’s tale of Parson Yorick and his travels through the UIUC campus town. …. and his eloquence was unsurpassed. I will miss the venerable Parson and truly deplore his passing. However, I know that his piousness and faith will land him an all-expenses paid trip to heaven. I mean, come on. The man was a GODDAMN SAINT! He was s-s-s-s (queue breakdown into tears). Well, I am quite sorry to …
Oh My! I did not see you there Noble Reader. Pardon me. Let me see. I am truly quite apologetic for my lack of preparation. I was just preparing my tax return (best to get those kind of things done early. If you know what I mean… if you catch my drift…) and did not expect you so soon. I suspect you are hungering for the continuance of my recollections of Parson Yorick’s exploits in Champaign and Urbana. Well, famished …
Champaign-Urbana is a place of many exciting events and affairs. Most of these notable happenings are reported on by the local fourth estate. However, to my great surprise, one of the most sensational and important occurrences of recent years has passed by with nary a news brief or report. I am talking, of course, about the visit of Parson Yorick to Champaign-Urbana last week. The esteemed Parson chose Champaign-Urbana as the locale most suitable for his reintroduction to human society …
Make haste, Valiant Readers! Ready your armour and swords. Join me in my battle against the greatest foe currently facing mankind. A foe capable of making chartered accounts shit their pants right in front of their mother-in-laws. A foe with the power to make mere toddlers utter the foulest of curses and imprecations. A foe that with no real effort can turn loving, caring aunties into rabid, flesh-eating harridans. Indeed, Intrepid Readers, this foe must not be allowed to continue …
Happy Reunion, Devoted Readers. Despite challenges to my honor and name, I have returned and persist as your devoted Campus Wit. After a summer filled with tarry and talk, another school year looms. Books are being bought, supplies are being sought, brains are turned on to thoughts of delight, debauchery and depression. In short order, students will return to the cracked and crusty confines of Champaign-Urbana. First stop for many of these students? Quad Day. Ah glorious Quad Day! Even …
Most Recent Opinion Comments
Thanks for that, Louis CK.
Your call to stay pissed is precisely why global warming fanatics will fail. Emotion has no place in hard science. The problem with the issue of global warming is that is has been pumped full of emotion and politics, and the science is becoming a by-product. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204301404577171531838421366.html?KEYWORDS=global+warming
Clearly the Postal Officials in favor of this cannot make an economic argument, as this saves the post office $0. What is their rationale?
Earlier today I received this response from the President’s office (via e-mail) - Dear Jason: Thank you for taking the time to write and share your thoughts. I deeply regret the embarrassment that the anonymous email incident has brought to our great University, and the personal hardship…
This posting expresses frustration—where is the investigative reporting about the current situation at the university? There are news reports, but basically no investigation? Why? None of the potential news outlets seem to be digging, unless doing so in the quiet of the night—not CU Access, the DI,…
Thank you Childrss for the correction. I actually only know a very small bit about Miscanthus specifically (and not much, obviously). My support for cellulosic has more to do with all the various upsides. The stalks and husks of feed corn, for instance, could provide a secondary…
More on Miscanthus can be found at http://miscanthus.illinois.edu Depending on market demand, miscanthus CAN impact food costs if it becomes more profitable to grow Miscanthus on land rather than foodstuff crops. While Jason didn’t explicitly state it (so I don’t want to imply that he was wrong)—it…
“Doing so would leave the entire university community without a way to send mail.” Ever heard of a mailbox? I can tell you where some are. “The Green Street office is always busy ...” Wrong. In fact, back in the day, I would go there during the…
I still have a very strong belief in bio-fuels as a sensible alternative, so long as it’s done sensibly. The one that makes the most sense, in my opinion, is producing ethanol from cellulose instead of grain. It’s essentially turning a waste product into a usable fuel…
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Nope. It’s the back (east) side of Urbana Tire Company at 202 S. Vine. How much is a hug and kiss worth? Do I have to take them all at once or can I break it up?
FACT: Silverfish feed only on carbohydrates, such as starches and sugars. They will not consume proteins or fats (the main materials from which human beings are constructed). THUS: That was not actually a human waiter we were conversing with, but rather a lifelike simulacrum created from semi-digested Fruit Loops.
nice fishnets you’ve got there, dan!
is that illini auto on main?
The geniuses at the News-Gazette site have it all figured out. This happened because we don’t have the Chief!
Pamela - Are the roasteries in Seattle as clean as CSR? It always disturbs me a little that it is so clean in there.
Now you will be able to munch on pizza and shrimp cocktails in downtown Urbana (whilst a DJ spins?) after your dissolution of marriage http://www.news-gazette.com/news/business/features/its-your-business/2012-02-05/its-your-business-new-pizza-place-downtown-urban Is this a franchise of a Reno pizza joint, or just a coincidence of name? http://www.blackrockpizza.com
Signs someone is “fishing” for a factual anchor: 1. Starts call to radio with: “I’ve been an Illini fan for (XX) years” or “I’m a diehard fan,” as if somehow that unverifiable claim will justify the 5 minutes of B.S. that follows. 2. Makes reference to KenPom…
That’s what she said.
Black dog and Siam terrace is where I always go after my divorces.
Love CSR. Apart from making my way through the regular roasts in 1/2 pound increments, I also like to pick up some of the little sample packets of the flavored stuff for when the lady and I feel like getting crazy. Sticky Bun is pretty nice.
If you happen to be getting a divorce, or fighting a DUI prosecution, downtown Urbana is a great place to eat.
HUUUUUUGE fan of their Black Velvet roast…It makes up about 75% of my coffee intake. LOL CSR is definitely one of those Champaign institutions that I brag about to people not from here. :-)
We like CSR too! We french press at home and I leave the lid off while it steeps—letting the ground beans bloom. Then, like in your tasting, I scoop off the top layer before pressing. We really need to invest in a burr grinder though, as I…
Confidential? In this state? Hahahahahahahhahahaha
just confirmed: there will be white russians served. the art abides.
big lebowski at the art. mark it, dude.
There’s a great video promo out for “Company” too: http://vimeo.com/36077847
Wow, His Majesty took the time to answer your polite plea. It’s been a while since I spoke fluent arrogance, but allow this attempt at a translation: “I deeply regret the embarrassment…” = I wish we hadn’t got caught and it wasn’t a big deal really. “...and…
I love the Guitars
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Wow, His Majesty took the time to answer your polite plea. It’s been a while since I spoke fluent arrogance, but allow this attempt at a translation: “I deeply regret the embarrassment…” = I wish we hadn’t got caught and it wasn’t a big deal really. “...and…