The Campus Wit Guide to Saving Money

Posted in OPINION to The Campus Wit by Patrick McCarthy on Thursday, October 16, 2008 at 3:00 pm

Good day, prodigal reader.

Times are tough. Money is sparse, and the economy has taken more blows than Parson Yorick. I feel the strain myself. I am a jobless scholar with limited funds. I have tried to find employment, but apparently most companies are not looking to hire hirsute misanthropes. In addition, the only remuneration I receive from Smile Politely for writing this column is weekly swift kicks to the groin, and the interest rate for swift groinal kicks is dropping every day. However, using my wondrous wittery, I have discovered a number of ways to save money that I think you will enjoy hearing about, profligate reader.

First (and obviously; so obvious that I feel foolish even talking about it), get rid of the internet, cable television, and cell phones. You do not need any of these things.

Second, throw away all shame, standards of hygiene, and social constraints. Your water bill will be greatly reduced if you never shower or wash yourself. You will save countless monies by not purchasing hygiene or beauty products. You will not need to buy new clothes because you will not be trying to impress anyone. Spanking.

Third, go to your nearest thrift store and invest in as much corduroy as you can get your hands on. Buy corduroy pants, jackets, vests, sweaters, shirts, socks, undergarments, sheets, comforters, pillows, etc. The incredible insulative properties of corduroy will keep you warm and toasty during the upcoming winter months. With all your corduroy, you can eschew heat and thereby save bundles on your electric or gas bill.

Fourth, although the corduroy will keep you warm, that bitch winter might be too much for Dame Corduroy to handle. In this case, you will need to invest in an axe. Hey, you gotta spend money to make money. This axe will reap benefits that will totally outweigh its paltry cost. Its main use will be to assist in covert midnight attacks on the trees of Urbana. With the resulting firewood, you can build fires in your domicile that will allow you to warm yourself and cook meat. Meat? Yes, Meat. I know its expensive, but here is where the axe comes in handy again. You can use the axe to slaughter and butcher animals that you obtain by whatever means you choose (Theft and purchase are the two best options. I’ll leave the choice up to you, sagacious reader). By buying (or thieving) in bulk, you will save oodles upon oodles of bank. In addition, you can use the whole animal for consumptive purposes. Recipes for liver, intestines, brains, balls, and offal of all kinds can be unearthed at the nearest library (Oh yeah. Use libraries. In case you have not heard, they are free. Crazy, eh?). If you are ambitious you could even make clothing and handy appliances from the inedible parts of the beasts. Not only will you save money by butchering your own animals, you will also feel closer to your ancestors who craftily used every last bit of their animals. That’s a double-edged sword.

Finally, I know that the biggest part of your budget, rosy reader, is on spirits. I will not tell you to give up your daily dram as that would be pure treachery. Instead, I implore you to set up your own bootleg distillery. You can make bathtub gin, moonshine whiskey, poteen, or bootleg rum. Not only will the booze be cheap for you, you can also sell it to your friends and neighbors and turn a pretty profit. In addition, the sauce can be used to warm your bones on the coldest of winter nights. Bam!

Follow my prescriptions, ruddy reader, and you shall see your savings increase quicker than the dickens. Your financial future will be secure… That is unless a new Great Depression strikes our land, but that is a story for another time.